1. The Lawyer and the Thief

A thief breaks into a lawyer’s house and starts rummaging through the drawers. The lawyer, awakened by the noise, comes downstairs and finds the thief.
The lawyer says, “Before you take anything, let’s negotiate.”
The thief, confused, asks, “Negotiate what?”
The lawyer replies, “Well, I’m a lawyer. It’s just what I do.”

2. The Customer’s Order

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a burger and fries.
“Anything else?” asks the waiter.
“Yeah,” the man says, “Can you bring me some ketchup, please? But not too much. Last time you gave me so much ketchup I could swim in it!”
The waiter brings out a tiny dab of ketchup on a plate.
The customer looks at it and says, “Now I feel like I’m drowning in it.”

3. The Forgetful Husband

A wife asks her husband to go to the store and get a loaf of bread. “If they have eggs, get six,” she adds.
He returns with six loaves of bread.
The wife says, “Why did you buy six loaves of bread?”
The husband replies, “Because they had eggs.”

4. The Desert Island

Three guys are stranded on a desert island. They find a magic lamp, and a genie appears.
The genie says, “I’ll give each of you one wish.”
The first guy says, “I wish I were off this island and back home.”
Poof! He’s gone.
The second guy says, “I wish I were at a party with all my friends.”
Poof! He’s gone.
The third guy, now alone, looks around and says, “I’m feeling lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

5. The Expensive Parrot

A woman walks into a pet store and sees a parrot with a sign that says, “Parrot for Sale: $50.”
The woman asks, “Why so cheap?”
The store owner says, “Well, the parrot used to live in a brothel, so he might say some inappropriate things.”
The woman doesn’t mind and buys the parrot.
When she brings it home, the parrot says, “New madam, new brothel.”
Her daughters walk in, and the parrot says, “New girls.”
Then her husband walks in, and the parrot says, “Hey, Bill! Long time no see!”

6. The Farmer’s Chicken

A farmer comes home one day and finds that his prize chicken has run away. After searching high and low, he spots it in the next town over, relaxing in someone’s backyard.
He knocks on the door and says to the homeowner, “That’s my chicken in your yard!”
The homeowner replies, “It’s my yard, so it’s my chicken now.”
Frustrated, the farmer says, “Let’s settle this with a kicking contest. We’ll each take turns kicking each other, and the one who gives up first loses the chicken.”
The homeowner agrees.
The farmer goes first and delivers a huge kick to the homeowner’s shin. The man writhes in pain but says, “Okay, now it’s my turn.”
The farmer waves his hand and says, “Nah, you can keep the chicken.”

7. The Forgetful Doctor

A doctor is having a hard time remembering details about his patients, so he decides to start writing notes on their charts.
One day, a patient comes in and says, “Doctor, I’ve been seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The doctor looks at the chart and says, “Well, that’s strange. According to my notes, you were supposed to be dead three months ago.”

8. The Golfers and the Funeral

Two men are playing a round of golf when a funeral procession drives by. One of the men takes off his cap and stands silently, bowing his head in respect.
The other man says, “That’s very thoughtful of you.”
The first man replies, “Well, we were married for 30 years.”

9. The Fancy Restaurant

A man goes to a fancy restaurant, and after looking at the menu, he orders a steak.
The waiter brings out the steak, but there’s a fly buzzing around the plate.
The man says, “Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my steak?”
The waiter looks at the plate and replies, “I believe it’s doing the backstroke, sir.”

10. The Magician’s Parrot

A magician is performing on a cruise ship, and the captain’s parrot watches the show every night. Eventually, the parrot figures out the magician’s tricks and starts shouting, “It’s in his sleeve!” or “There’s a fake bottom in the hat!”
The magician is furious but can’t do anything because it’s the captain’s parrot.
One day, the ship sinks, and the magician and the parrot end up on the same lifeboat. They stare at each other in silence for days. Finally, the parrot says, “Alright, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

Enjoy today’s laughs, and make sure to come back tomorrow for more hilarious stories!