1. The Fast Turtle

Two turtles are walking through the desert. One turtle turns to the other and says, “I think we’re lost!”
The other turtle replies, “Relax. We’re not lost, we just haven’t been moving fast enough to get anywhere!”

2. The Restaurant Dilemma

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. He takes a sip and calls the waiter over, saying, “Waiter, this soup tastes funny!”
The waiter looks down and says, “Well, then why aren’t you laughing?”

3. The Forgetful Robber

A thief breaks into a house, and as he’s rummaging through the drawers, he hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”
He freezes and listens again. “Jesus is watching you.”
Turning on his flashlight, he spots a parrot in the corner. “What’s your name?” the thief asks.
The parrot replies, “Moses.”
The thief laughs, “Who names a parrot Moses?”
The parrot squawks, “The same people who named their rottweiler Jesus.”

4. The Elevator Talk

A man and a woman are stuck in an elevator. After a few moments of silence, the man turns to the woman and says, “Do you come here often?”

5. The Genius Baby

A mom walks into her baby’s room and finds him with a dictionary open. “What are you doing?” she asks.
The baby looks up and says, “I’m just trying to find the word for what comes after ‘goo goo ga ga.’”

6. The Confusing Doctor

A doctor tells his patient, “You’re in terrible shape. You need to stop eating unhealthy foods, avoid stress, and get plenty of rest.”
The patient sighs and says, “Can’t I just get a second opinion?”
The doctor replies, “Sure. You’re also ugly.”

7. The Optimistic Pilot

A flight attendant says, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Flight 123. If you look out the window to your left, you’ll see that the wings are on fire. If you look out the window to your right, you’ll see the engine has fallen off. And if you look straight ahead, you’ll see the captain parachuting out. Have a nice flight!”

8. The Wrong Pet

A man walks into a pet store and says, “I’d like to buy a goldfish.”
The employee asks, “Do you want an aquarium?”
The man replies, “I don’t care what its sign is!”

9. The Forgetful Golfer

A man goes golfing and misses every shot. He looks at his caddy and says, “This is the worst day of my life!”
The caddy replies, “Could be worse. You could be stuck in this job like me.”

10. The Talking Refrigerator

A man opens his refrigerator and sees a note that says, “Stop leaving the door open!”
He looks around and says, “Who wrote this?”
The refrigerator replies, “I did. I’m getting tired of all the cold air leaving.”

11. The Stubborn Dog

A dog owner takes his dog to a trainer. “He won’t listen to me,” the owner complains.
The trainer says, “Have you tried asking nicely?”
The dog barks, “He never does!”

12. The Silent Judge

A man is on trial for stealing a car. The judge asks, “How do you plead?”
The man responds, “Your Honor, I have no idea how to plead. I’m not even sure why I’m here. The car was parked, and I just drove it away!”

13. The New Glasses

A man gets new glasses and shows them off to his friend. “They make you look really smart!” the friend says.
The man smiles and replies, “Then I’ll keep them on forever.”

14. The Lazy Waiter

A man at a restaurant calls the waiter over and asks, “Why haven’t you taken my order yet?”
The waiter shrugs and says, “I was hoping you’d figure out what you want by the time I get there.”

15. The Dog’s Complaint

A man’s dog starts barking in the middle of the night. He goes outside and asks, “What’s wrong, boy?”
The dog barks, “I was just practicing for tomorrow. Gotta keep the neighbors awake!”

16. The Forgetful Baker

A baker accidentally puts salt instead of sugar in his cookies. When his customers complain, he says, “What’s the matter? They’re just… savory sweets!”

17. The Doctor’s Prescription

A patient says, “Doctor, I’ve been feeling really dizzy lately.”
The doctor replies, “Here’s a prescription. Go take it with a grain of salt.”

18. The Underpaid Dog

A man says to his dog, “Why don’t you help me around the house more?”
The dog looks up and says, “Because I’m underpaid.”

19. The Genie’s Mistake

A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears.
The genie says, “I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets double.”
The man thinks for a moment and says, “I wish for a million dollars.”
Poof! He gets a million dollars, and his mother-in-law gets two million.
The man says, “For my second wish, I want a mansion.”
Poof! He gets a mansion, and his mother-in-law gets two.
Finally, the man grins and says, “For my third wish, I want you to scare me half to death.”

20. The Talking Fish

A man walks into a pet store and sees a fish swimming in circles. “What’s wrong with that fish?” he asks the store owner.
The fish looks up and says, “I’m just trying to get my steps in for the day.”

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